Anyone else out there sitting comfortably in the fire of their lives? Watching as things seemingly burn to the ground. Are you casually watching things fall apart and somehow feel unbothered? I suppose one might call this dissociation, I like it here, it’s warm, not all that stressful. I am so unbothered by it, I would roast marshmallows over the embers, maybe make some smores. I think I have worried myself out, I spent so much of my life letting worry and what-ifs consume me that maybe I am all out? I am not sure if my current state is ignorance or faith. Some aspect of myself seems to keep whispering it will all be okay. The relentless onslaught of unforeseen just keeps battering my weakened and weathered body and yet I still shine and for what it lacks in brightness it makes up for with stubbornness refusing to snuff out.
If my soul had middle fingers she would wave them proudly and defiantly. Powersave mode initiated, charging has commenced, standby for progress. An upgrade is on the way, my system has run far too long with outdated software and ways of thinking. I have started over and picked myself up more times than I can count, what is one more time? I have the weirdest sense of calm and peace and I am holding onto it and rolling with it. My physical body is sickly at the moment unable to physically do much, but while I heal and rest my mind is sorting through back to square one recalculating to try another approach. My dad always said there is more than one way to skin a cat, just gotta find the one that works for you. I suppose stubbornness has its positive attributes. At this point and time in my life, it’s a lot less about what I am meant to do and a lot more about what can I tolerate?
Confessions of a Haunting Freak 