I don’t know if everyone’s heartache feels the same, I am sure it varies. There are times it feels as if every breath that fills the lungs are painful. As if breathing is a chore. The relentless, heavyweight crushing down on your rib cage threatening to crush the bones that cage the broken thing beneath them. When sadness seeps into every cell and weeps through your veins, like a virus that has to run its course, though some heartaches, some sadness is terminal, threatening the life outside of you, the one you are supposed to be living, paralyzing you from the core, consuming you from the inside out.
I rarely even go outside anymore, I have quit doing even the things I love because even when I find scattered fragments of peace I cannot sustain them, they slip through my fingers like water in a stream. I am exhausted from living for moments far and few between. If only I could remember how to shut down and to be numb, a power save mode but that’s what this is a power save mode because it allows you to function at a less than capacity. I am someone who is often accused of being uncaring and unkind when in fact I feel so strongly, so deeply everything. Maybe that’s why I shy away from the world especially in times of heartache, to preserve hope. Hope is the last thing a person loses. Hope sustains us more than love more than most things. Hope is the possibility of happier days ahead, of better, hope is everything, in hope lies endless potential. Hope is the most underrated of all human emotions, it is the emotion that drives a person in their darkest place to claw their way back into the light. I get tired of dwelling in deep dark caverns alone but I have been doing it so long now, I don’t even know how to walk along with someone that has a light.