Going With The Flow I Am Not

Have you ever had a day or phase where you are just a walking contradiction? Tonight I am tired but awake. I am restless yet somehow relaxed. I used to only feel this way during a full moon phase and now I find that I am extra tired on a full moon instead. I don’t know I guess it is because of so many unknowns all at the same time. Getting minimal school information before they start is stressful, typically the communication is better maybe we are all just kind of winging it for now.

I accepted a job all the way back in May with the start date supposed to be in a few weeks. I start of course this week, on short notice right during the middle of school registrations when I seriously needed to be free. This company never bothered to keep me updated as to delays or why or what was even happening and then just decided okay now we are ready, drop everything. Who knows how this will go, I am firm believer in things work out how they are supposed to and regardless I made up my mind some time ago not to make another job my whole life because what usually ends up happening is that I will end up working so much I practically live at work.

I don’t mind working I enjoy it. What I don’t want is to be overworked, underpaid, and unappreciated. The reasons behind leaving behind my previous job, the pay was great and that was about it. The more I gave the more they took, the more they wanted and I had no free time. I was working some days from 6 am to 7 pm. Three days out of the month was all I would have off and for a while, the overtime pay made it bearable but honestly, after a while, I said I don’t need more money, I need rest. I was logging in just under 400 miles a month in steps. There were days my watch detected so much activity I was burning 8,000 calories a day. I was eating a ridiculous amount of food and could not keep weight on. I ended up super-fit but underweight.

I kept that pace for nearly a year before I hit a wall. Physically and mentally, my body just would not do it anymore, and my mental state was broken. I had lost my dad and my whole world changed. I was working so much I could not properly grieve. For a good amount of time, I was also trying to juggle school part-time. Talk about burning the candle at both ends, it caught up with me in the end. Then my mental health just snapped the rest of the way. I had to go to the doctor on short notice to be put on medication to help with my anxiety, I was not functioning well. The doctor wanted me to do emergency counseling and instead of my boss having compassion and concern, I was told basically that I could not stay for counseling and had to come in and get everything caught up. She did nothing for the time I was at my appointment and let it all pile up on me and wait for me. So I got punished for not being well when I had been not only working my hours but covering others for months and months. Including covering her position so she could take days off and extra ones at that. So at this point, I am burnt out on giving too much for so little. I think that seems to be the trend for a lot of people right now. I just want a non-toxic environment and a little balance.