It’s weird to feel like you are getting a lot done and yet nothing at all. I am the little engine that tried too hard and ran out of steam. I lack motivation or energy most days so when I do have it I tend to go hard trying to get everything done at once and I crash. Though I will say my medication has significantly helped my anxiety and ability to mentally focus. I am grateful for that, at least my brain can work out tasks even when my body doesn’t want to and that comes in handy for mental tasks. So much of life is mental before physical.
Focus may not seem like a big deal but if you have ever struggled any length of time without it, you appreciate it immensely. My brain function changed after having postpartum depression twice well more like postpartum PTSD come to find out most mothers with traumatic birthing experiences get misdiagnosed often and those of us who have life long effects after were really dealing with a form of PTSD vs postpartum depression both are life-changing in there own ways. It’s impossible to endure that and come out the other end the same person you once were. It changes you at a core level.
I was always inclined to art and things, but it wasn’t until I went through postpartum that it became more prevalent in my life. Not necessarily because it was this undying passion though it felt and appeared that way, it was a coping technique almost like self-medicating. It kept me sane, I would seemingly get lost in it for hours on end but my sanity depended on it. During these trying times, I taught myself how to crochet, how to paint, and do glass work. At one point and time, I would devour huge books in two days also a coping technique. I also wrote a terrible novel-length story just to see if I could. Those that say insanity and creativity ride a narrow line together are not wrong. Though one need not continue to suffer for the sake of art, it doesn’t make it somehow more valuable. You can art and medicate though I admit it’s a balance and one that not everyone is lucky enough to find. Some medications numb everything and destroy creativity. Balance is a beautiful thing if you are lucky enough to find it though the journey is a tough one a lot of trial and error leading to many ups and downs.
Broken souls, those of us who have been through some shit we are beautiful and appreciative of even small things. I see us as beautiful broken pieces welded together into gorgeous stained glass pieces, shining a little brighter in the sun. I am a work of art in the making with every struggle I gain a little more stained glass and I shine a little brighter though the pieces take time to shape and mend and seal, it is always worth it in the end
Confessions of a Haunting Freak 