What is peace, rest, silence? I don’t even remember, I’m constantly swamped with everyone else’s needs. I haven’t had time to myself in so long, my soul is begging for it. I don’t even know if it’s possible, I know that one of my children has a panic disorder, and usually, I am saturated in her constant ruminating thoughts, worries, and paranoia. How do you talk someone down when they refuse to reason and rationalize, and how do you rationalize the unrationalizable? I lived it in my postpartum hell, even though you know your thoughts are irrational you can not reason with yourself and internally you are also at war with yourself fighting in your mind with your mind for not listening to you. It’s like you are trapped in your own mind and the irrational part of your brain that echoes dialogue, that we all are able to ignore becomes the driver of your fleshy vehicle and your normal rational thoughts are locked in the backseat.
It is a living hell for the person who is actively living it. I understand completely and yet I still need a break from it. I feel like I am stuck in riptides and I am at the mercy of something bigger than me. At this point, I need a parting of the emotional seas, a miracle, and divine intervention because I am drowning in it. Sleep is fleeting even when there is an opportunity my brain goes into overdrive and tries to process all of the overstimulation and results in insomnia. Also, it takes forever to decompress and sometimes I sacrifice even more sleep to have just a few stolen moments of calm and quiet and just not have someone want or need something. Thank goodness for this brief time of silence tonight only slightly dampened by the relentless shoulder and elbow pain that I hope somehow and someway will not be normal because it is shitty.
This is one of those times spirit won’t mess with me and if they do, they get sent packing quickly. I am grouchy and pretty close to unfuckwithable, it usually goes something like, make noise, touch her, then me yelling not tonight a-holes followed by silence. It’s not often I have that kind of conviction which is also why I get messed with so badly at times. I have had some weird in the last few days but I have honestly been so stretched thin I haven’t even had time to process most of it. My mom had some health issues last night and ended up in the ER, all ended up well. However, I did stumble upon a talk station at 330am on my drive home that had an insider on it discussing info on ufos, I randomly ended up on the station and stayed on it as I semi-zoned out.
It was some awesome info and I have been hoping to find a minute to try and locate more information on it, strangely I didn’t hear any identifiers such as the host or guest’s name, or even the radio show. I don’t believe in coincidence and this was something I have a huge interest in due to personal experiences. That did end up being one of the cooler things that happened this past week. I half expected to look up and see a ufo or whatever it is they call them now. I did get bits of info I have always been curious about. We ask the universe for many things even answers to questions, how and when or if we get an answer is out of our hands, you just might be driving down a highway at 3 am and end up on a radio station that has those answers. A gentle reminder from the universe that we don’t call all the shots, you don’t always get what you want, when or how you want it, or even at all. Not at your convenience maybe even at your most inconvenience, but it will be the right time every time.