I’m not sure if it is some strange Hollywood notion, that at a certain point in our lives there will be a time when it is all just magically figured out. As if there is some imaginary line we cross as a right of passage, where we just have it together. Some elusive place where everything is just smooth sailing from here on out. It is so similar to girls who spend their lives looking for that fairytale happy ending. Life isn’t a fairytale, if you eat a poisoned apple you are either going to die or someone in a pair of scrubs in a hospital room is going to save you. There is no magic kiss or potion, there are hard lines.
I had thought at this age I would be more together, all buttoned up nice and neat. I never dreamed that I would be so far from figured out at this point. Maybe it’s because as human beings we are always changing, growing and our lives and desires reflect that. If you introduced me to a version of myself from even 5 years ago, I wouldn’t recognize myself now or even my life. It’s funny how fluid life is and how fluid humans are. We view our lives as more structured in some ways set in stone, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. We have so many intricate pieces and things that make us up as a whole that we resemble a Jenga set. One thing gets removed and the whole thing might collapse. The same goes for people. A life partner may pass away and suddenly your life couldn’t be more different the whole tower just falls. Moments like these are what are referred to as a tower moment in tarot decks and is of course accompanied by the tower card.
I’m learning that there isn’t ever a time or moment when everything just sails along smoothly. There is no perfect time because things are always changing. It serves you no purpose to keep putting off things for the right time because even if you find it, it can change at any given moment. There will never be a moment when you aren’t changing and learning your way through life. People like to say to live your life with no regrets, but that’s impossible and unrealistic. The thing is there are always so many unknown factors to ever know how something will turn out in the end. It is possible to do things you love, take chances and be better for it.
Here I am seeing changes coming from miles away. It’s as if I am watching a train full speed ahead headed toward a brick wall and yet it is going in slow motion and there is no stopping it. These changes have the potential to alter my whole life and it is scary to think how different life could be this time next year. These changes will come for me whether it is 1 year or 3 and it will happen and I can’t help but wonder where I’ll end up when the dust has settled. I wonder still like a little wide-eyed girl if I will get my happy ever after knowing full well that the version sold to me on a silver platter over and over again in Disney movies does not exist. The truth is it didn’t exist for those princesses either because the story ended with them marrying their prince and those enigmatic words happily ever after as if there weren’t decades of experiences left for the couples to have. I am quite certain if you were to have an update of the middle-aged version of these characters you would find Prince Charming balding and with a softer waistline. Cinderella would be cleaning again trying to keep up with the mess of her children. Ariel would be begging for her fins back to just getaway. Snow White would no longer be the fairest of them all because beauty fades and everyone has their time to shine. In the wise words of my dad, “What will be, will be.”
Confessions of a Haunting Freak 